Friday, 7 October 2011

Windfall fines update 2

One matter is to be withheld from the Consultation Process (CP). Bids are already being considered for the Contract for the Execution of the Capital Penalty (CECP) for unauthorised tree felling. The Department has received a representation from the National Association of Licenced Executioners and Disembowellers (NALED) claiming that, their membership now being reduced to five and the youngest member being aged 95, they would require Substantial Public Subsidy (SPS) to enable them to keep up with the Targetted Capital Conviction Rate (TCCP) on a Contracted-out Basis (CoB). There are no funds in the Departmental Budget (DB) for such purposes: this legislative project is meant to be Revenue Positive (RP). A Loyal Address (LA) has also been received from the Worshipful Company of Hangers, Drawers and Quarterers (WCHDQ) respectfully drawing (do they have a sense of humour (SoH)?) the Departmental Attention (DA) to the fact that their activities are now restricted to the consumption of ceremonial dinners (with beverages) and the creation, in a purely figurative sense, of Deadmen of the City of London (DCL), where there are thought to be few fruit trees but plenty of windfalls. The Department will not be deterred from this Essential Reform (ER) of a Vital Public Service (VPS) by such self-interest and nimby-ism. Self regulation is Not an Option (NaO). There Is No Alternative (TINA). If nothing is done the nation's orchards and gardens face collapse into the mush of uncollected windfalls. The National Apple and Pear Service (NAPS) is Safe in Our Hands (SiOH). There will be no Top-Down Reorganisation (TDR) of the Nation's Apples. This is a Ticking Time Bomb (TTB). Accordingly I have directed that a Youth Employment Training Initiative (YETI) be established to create Apprenticeships in Modern Execution Necessities (AMEN). It's either that or the Predator Drones (UAVs).

Pass me the water.