On the sudden, but long anticipated death of our Eternal Chancellor of the Exchequer, following a lengthy period of incapacity and a brave struggle against systemic collapse, it is announced that the funeral will be a quiet family affair with semi-public accoutrements. The interment will take place in Hyde Park with a two hundred foot high memorial mound erected above the tomb. Entrance to the site will be available to all members of the public on payment of an entrance fee that will be announced after the ceremony is completed. Tickets may be booked in advance through the Qatari Investment Office.
The Palace of Westminster will, as a mark of respect, be entirely swaddled in Osborne and Large wallpaper with the pinnacles surmounted by one thousand and one body casts of of the late chancellor, produced by Anthony Gormley, with details picked out in Sparrow and Ball Downpipe, Dead Trout and Elephant's Breath.
The National Statistics Office will fall silent for a period of twelve years as a mark of respect.
The late Chancellor's sarcophagus will be hauled to Hyde Park on a ceremonial tumbrel drawn by the chairman elect of the Bank of England progressing on his hands and knees. The eulogy will be given from on high by the London Mare, otherwise known as the Gulf of Tears.
Police have stated that they respect the right of people peaceably to ignore the ceremonies but that they expect all those who intend to stay at home to notify them so that they can be escorted to a place of safety.
Lord Tebbitt has described anyone who has any other ideas as a semi-domesticated bigot. Ian Duncan Smith remarked that it was "a political stunt" that had anyway already achieved its desired effect before taking place. The prime minister, on his flight back from a trade mission to Azerbaijan, issued a statement: "Never has there been a chancellor who wrapped up so much for so few."
Christine Lagarde will not be attending due to a prior commitment to attend a funeral in Slovenia.
Any man's death diminishes me.
