Top up now

Once upon a time, when pigs spoke rhyme
And monkeys chewed tobacco
And hens took snuff to make them tough
And ducks went quack, quack, quacko...

Following recent government advice to motorists to top up their tanks and jerry cans, thus handily, for some, bringing about the effects of a petrol tanker drivers' strike before there actually is one, the Secretary of State for Communities has issued further guidance on the mass pre-emption of possible industrial action.

All citizens are urgently advised to:

1. immediately pay their Christmas visits to aged relatives in anticipation of railway workers striking against the public using formerly public transport on public holidays;
2. compile for themselves a digest of future world events likely to occur over the next twelve months (a template is available on the government website) in anticipation of a jornalists' strike against the Leveson Inquiry;
3. go out and commit a felony now in anticipation of a police strike against the reduction in police numbers;
4. remove from bank accounts and spend now any money they may have in anticipation of a bankers' strike against victimisation of bankers;
5. get ill and die now in anticipation of a health workers' strike against the privatisation of the health service.

The Secretary of State also made clear that none of these anticipated strikes could possibly be justified by the unions who were playing with the fate of the nation without proper democratic mandate; said that it was 'one hundred per cent certain' that many people would die during such strikes; and called upon the Leader of the Opposition to condemn in advance any form of industrial action anywhere.

Further advice will be issued as soon as it occurs to anyone. The current advice applies only to England; misleading the public is a devolved matter in Wales and Scotland.