Does Richard Dawkins exist?
Following the non-divine revelation that Richard Dawkins cannot recite the full title of Darwin's Origin of Species whilst standing on his left leg and rubbing his stomach (or even from a sedentary position), research has revealed that 96 per cent of those who claim to believe in the scientific method and scientific, non-religious explanations of the universe read their horoscopes at least once a month.
Commenting that non-believers clearly do not know what they believe, the Archbishop of Canterbury has denounced the 'monstrous regiment of sham rationalists', the waste of divine resources, and called for the 'dismantling of the tyrannical apparatus of the scientific state', the expulsion of 'so-called scientists' from the House of Lords, the compulsory baptism of all infants, and a change in the judicial rubric from 'beyond reasonable doubt' to 'beyond divine displeasure'.
Professor Dawkins was unavailable for comment.
The Richard Dawkins Foundation for the Public Understanding of Insignificant Facts about Religious Experience has discovered that a truly shocking number of Professing Christians (we are all Professors now, whether we will or no - at least when sat down before the Office of the Unholy Inquisition) is unable to distinguish between Beelzebub and Lucifer, and, worse still, cannot name the first book of the New Testament. Had they, like me, been sent by their parents to Sunday school for a few years in their impressionable youth (Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man' Baltasar.) they might have learnt the little rhyme 'Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, Acts and Romans follow on,' and thus been assured of eternal salvation (or at least the eternal ministrations of Professor Dawkins) from then on.
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| Lucifer - the bearer of light |
Fear not! I have faith the miraculous Mr Gove is on the case. Perhaps Addison and Steele would have done it better. In his old age, one of the favourite books of Edward Lear, who knew a thing or two about nonsense, was Addison and Steele's Spectator.
